Single guys in Ireland can be broken down into a few key categories. The most common is an A.R.S.E – A Rugby School Eejit. (Think Ross O’Carroll Kelly in 10 years time). Key identifiers of an A.R.S.E are as follows:
A large dense mass, in more ways than one. Except what was muscle has now turned into soft doughy fat. Rugby jerseys are de-rigeur going out clothes. Mainly because there is little danger of the buttons popping after multiple pints.
Of course an ARSE doesn’t recognise he is fat. He thinks he is temporarily out of shape. Temporary meaning a time period in excess of ten years. He will regale you of tales of how fit he used to be, but sadly can’t play rugby anymore because of his knee (as opposed to the fact he’d drop with a coronary the second he had to run anywhere) but he is definitely going to the gym – next week.
Sometimes socialises in big gangs for the matches, when his married friends get ‘passes’. Firmly believes that he will never be ‘captured’ like his mates. Would probably like to meet someone, but just can’t imagine giving up ‘the crack’ that is Cafe en Seine, 3 times a week. Generally hangs out with one poor lonely gimp wing man, who has little chance of finding anyone. Particularly if he continues to hang out with an ARSE.
ARSE goes out a few times a week, with the gimp, downing pints and trying out his lines on the ‘chicks’. Due to extensive practice he is generally pretty good at the chat-up, but then it’s hard not to be in the meat markets of Renards or Coppers.
However his track record is starting to decline as there seems to be less ‘chicks’ he fancies or they seem more interested in the cute Polish guy. If unsuccessful at scoring he can generally be found in a fast food establishment at the end of the night. Abrakebra is full of ARSE’s at 3am.
If he is a rich ARSE he will be living in a place that his dad bought for him in his 20’s. It won’t have been done up since then and the sofa is so beer soaked that Guinness think they may have discovered a new form of yeast. A working ARSE will still be renting ( can’t waste valuable beer money on a mortgage ), generally with guys that are around 10 years younger than him. He will try and score their female friends, who are horrified by the fat older guy hitting on them. Both types of ARSE will have flat screen TV’s, a very expensive stereo and bed clothes with cartoon characters.
The only thing worse than being an ARSE, is being someone who fancies an ARSE.